Read This Before Becoming A Family Caregiver
Taking care of a loved one will change you
No one tells you that caregiving means becoming responsible for parts of your loved one’s life you never imagined.
Between schedules, symptoms, meds, side effects, pharmacy pick ups, appointments, insurance companies, lab results, cooking, and cleaning, YOU are the one who has to remember and DO EVERYTHING. (And you have to do it all on very little, if any, sleep)
It’s not just taking care of their physical needs. (As time goes on, you will have to see, smell, and clean up more pee and poo than in your whole life combined) It’s being witness to how much they will change right before your eyes. They will go from stubbornly independent to super needy. (At least my mom did) And they transform from energetic and wanting to do things and go places, to completely exhausted all the time. It’s painful to witness.
No one tells you how heavy the responsibility weighs on you. They took care of you as a child, but now you have become ‘their person’, ‘their advocate’. You have to make sure nothing gets missed, or if something is ‘off’, and you have to speak up about it. It doesn’t just go away when you walk out of their room, it follows you everywhere- even when trying to fall asleep at night.
Your life quietly starts disappearing into it. Your routines change, your priorities shift, your personal plans go on the back burner- or stop altogether. Your thoughts shift into an “let me just get through today” mindset.
You carry more than you should because family just doesn’t seem interested in helping or visiting. Of course they all came when she lay dying, and even more to her funeral. But she longed to know they cared enough to visit when she was alive. So why didn’t they? Were they uncomfortable with seeing her like that? Or just too busy? Then, of course, resentment will insert itself. Sit with that resentment for a bit- then LET IT MOVE ON- family is EVERYTHING, and we all mess up.
IF YOU DECIDE TO DO IT ANYWAY AFTER READING THIS-
Remember to:
Get out and shop, dine, and go to movies or the park together in the beginning while they still have energy.
Record them- videos, voices, still shots- these will be priceless to you later.
Something I regret not doing more of is looking at old pictures together and LABELING them. You will regret family tree knowledge ending when your loved one passes- and they will really enjoy doing that activity with you.
After that energy and presence of mind is gone:
Laugh together when you can.
Schedule time with your loved one to watch their favorite TV show with them. (For mom it was Wheel of Fortune)
Find small, quiet moments that still feel like the relationship you had before. Those moments matter more than anything.
No matter your frustration level, caregiving is LOVE. Showing up and staying. Not leaving—no matter how hard it gets. Because they need you, and love doesn’t leave.
